Ok so those pants I said I was going to throw away once I could fit in them again?  I can fit in them again.  Think I am going to hold on to them because, you know, they are unappealing but functional, which I think is what we should all strive to be.

I’ve been thinking and worrying a looooooot about modeling proper behavior for the kids.  Want to start reading more, staring at my phone/ipod less, exercise more and eat better, gossip less, deal with emotions in a calm and rational way.  All the sorts of things I want my kids to think are the types of behaviors displayed by mature and responsible adults. It frankly kind of sucks and I am constantly realizing how full of shit I am.   

I have this horrible pair of pants that I hate.  They’re these flat-front dockers with absolutely nothing special about them and if I recall correctly I got them for like $18.99 at Kohl’s when I had a 30% off coupon so I guess subtract almost 6 bucks from that total.  I would love to throw them away, but right now I am too fat for them, and I want to wear them one last time so they know they are being thrown away on account of ugliness, and not just because I got fat. 

I just saw a headline on CNN.com that read “Beyonce is already a wonderful mom.”  And I kind of wanted to let myself think that maybe it is because she has nannies, and maybe it is because taking care of a newborn is difficult and exhausting but really requires more stamina and willingness to do all the mechanical tasks related to keeping your baby clothed and fed and clean than it does actually parenting skill.  But I can’t let myself think that because I am a pretty cruddy parent.  Last night, my younger boy wanted to play Wii while I washed the dishes, but I told him to draw in his doodle book instead.  After I watched the dishes, he was still drawing in his doodle book and I went and checked up on how the internet is doing.  Before long, I realized it had been quite awhile since he started doodling and I asked to see the book.  Sure enough, it was full of silly but nasty and inappropriate stuff like people shooting each other, butts, dead stuff, people fighting, and lots and lots and lots of poop.  Although I was a little impressed with how well he writes the word “poop” and how he was able to say “diarrhea” with alarming clarity, I was mostly just dismayed and upset.  I started giving him the business about knowing what is appropriate and what isn’t, but it felt really hypocritical because how many times has he walked in while I’m watching Family Guy or Archer?  Or how many youtube videos has he seen of Elmo being decapitated by Mario?  All of that is on me.

So after his lecture he was pretty sad and upset, so I started the shower for him, and when he was done I sat down with him and we drew in the doodle book together, taking turns drawing nice things at a fancy party.  When that was done, I had him get a book he could read to me, and one I could read to him.  At that point, everyone felt a lot better, but I still feel like I haven’t been doing enough of that kind of stuff and I really need to, to not just expect him to know what’s naughty and what isn’t, and to model appropriate behavior, because that more than anything is what parenting is about.  Most of us learned how to behave as adults by watching how the adults in our lives behaved in day-to-day situations and I think it’s really easy to forget that.  I hope Beyonce doesn’t forget that.

Anyways, I will probably try to post something amusing and totally insincere later.

A very long time ago, my dad was coaching my brother in little league.  When practice started, and he needed to be on the field leading drills and demonstrating fundamentals, he handed me his wallet and asked me to watch it.  Being a curious 9 year old, I of course could not resist the temptation to open and rifle through it, and to my amazement, he had at least four hundred bucks in cash in there, including two or three C-notes.  Surely, I thought, my father is the wealthiest man in all of Bedford County.  So while it appears we are moving toward a cash-free society, if it is put to a worldwide vote, I will be loudly saying “nay.”  And it is not only because I want my son to someday snoop around in my wallet and believe me to be suburban royalty.  No, I have very strong opinions about circumstances where adults should have cash.  In short, it is efficient, elegant, and demonstrates that you are a grownup with your shit together.  Some brief examples:

1.  Takeout, duh.  A debit card at takeout means you sign a receipt that has a god damn line for a tip, that you either have to deliberately leave blank, or write a zero in.  With cash, you hand them a wad of bills, get your change, ask for chopsticks, and get the hell out of there like tipping them for takeout never crossed your mind, because it shouldn’t have.  But once that receipt is in your hand, they know you made a conscious decision to not leave a tip.  NO THANKS.

2. Going out with friends.    Two scenarios- it’s you and some friends, or a couples night. Either way, bring some cash, asshole.  By the end of happy hour, everyone is ready to leave.  How do you leave quickly and without fumbling all over yourselves?  WITH CASH, SUCKAS.  If you have eight people with their little debit cards, asking the server to split it evenly, you and your entire family should be ashamed.  Throw down your cash.  You are a grownup.  On couples night, the couple who says “just bring separate checks” will be getting the stink eye from me all god damn night.  The waitress will rightfully think you are high maintenance and too stupid to do math, and you are sending a message to the other couples that you don’t want to pay an extra seventy-five cents if your entree cost less or you had one less drink because you are a tightass.  God damn separate checks. The only benefit is that if you are the only one at the end of the night with the good sense to have brought cash, the server will have to fumble around with everyone else’s stupid debit cards, while you can hand him or her your little booklet full of cash and say “nope, we’re good, sugar tits,” when he or she asks if you need change.   Then you can sit there and stare at your watch while your “friend” waits to get the receipt back and tip exactly 17%.  Some friend.

3.  Haircuts.  If you have to sign a receipt to get a haircut, you should just let it grow out, you disgusting hippie.  Not long ago, if you were a man and got your hair cut at a place that accepted debit cards, I would have slapped you.  But now I like going to a place where there are little TVs and I can watch Sportscenter and my kids can watch Spongebob, and they take debit cards, NOT THAT I’D USE ONE.  Again, are you going to WRITE DOWN what your stylist gets as a tip?  Practice making a big shot face and saying “oh, no, no change, keep it.” Feels awesome.

4.  Beer distributor*.  You are buying beer, not freaking Christal.  If you don’t have a couple 20s in your pocket, maybe try quitting drinking forever.  There is no beer distributor in the world which has a fast working credit card machine, so there is a 100% chance you are holding up the line and delaying patrons from shotgunning their Coors Lites.  Obviously, this is a beer distributor rule and has no application to the liquor store.  In fact, you should never, ever pay in cash at the liquor store, but that is a different post.

5.  Anything drive-through, but especially the beer distributor.   

*In Pennsylvania, we can only buy beer at a special beer distributor, because if you can buy beer and groceries at the same spot, maybe some of those groceries will be tic-tacs, and if you chug some beers in the car and mask your breath with the tic-tacs, the cops will be completely oblivious to your drunkenness and drunk driving is not cool.  You also cannot buy a bottle of wine in the same place you buy a case of beer, whether altoids are sold there or not.

So I had my first weigh-in of the year last night, and it wasn’t as ugly as I feared.  I am in the neighborhood of 40 pounds under my heaviest weight ever, and about 25 pounds above my lowest, and not quite in the obese range of BMI so score!

The thing is I feel way fatter than I remember feeling when I have been in the neighborhood of this weight before.  Possibly because I have been running and not doing bad keeping up with my pushups, so my top third and bottom third are not as disgusting and flabby as my middle third.  I am sort of shaped like the Greek letter phi (ϕ) except instead of a well-defined circle with clear boundaries, my mid-section is kind of like a hefty bag full of uncooked bread dough but more liquidy.  Sometimes I try to squish it down under my belt but ultimately I will pass by a mirror and my pants just look too high waisted because it is obvious my belt is right below my navel and that is not the fashion these days at all.  And so I will lower my belt and floop, out everything goes again.  For an entire week I wore a sportcoat with jeans to work and every social event I attended, which as you may know, is the sophisticated man’s Tommy Bahama shirt: loosely fitting, no tucking, obscuring the ugly truth.

And what is worse is that I can always, always feel it.  If I’m running, or walking, or driving or sitting and reading, it is right there, just sloughing around in my lap, taking the shape of its surroundings like a pile of warm tapioca.  And my poor wife shares a bed with me.

So anyways, I am trying to emerge from the holiday, which this year was like a typhoon of gin, ranch dressing and fudge, with some decent resolve to not be repulsive.  My family deserves it and any excuse I come up with is bullshit because every time I’ve been able to refrain from gorging myself on high ABV beers and mini-eggrolls for a few months, I’ve lost weight.  I don’t want to spend another summer as the dad who has to jetski with his shirt on, even with a popped collar.  What son wants to see that?

I have the exact same resolutions every single year.  I thought it would be fun this year to make the exact same resolutions again, while rating how well I achieved them last year.

1. Lose Weight- 0/10. 

2. Write more- 0/10

3. Run/exercise more- 2/10

4. Be more productive and efficient at work- 3/10

5. At least not gain any weight- 0/10

6. Drink less- 0/10

7. Spend less time dicking around on the internet- 0/10

8. Throw successful pig roast- 10/10

9.  Complete 100 pushup program- 0/10

10. For God’s sake, keep BMI below obese level- 0/10

I’m not going to lead off this post with an self absorbed rant about whether anyone could possibly care about what music I liked this year.  Suffice it to say that I went through a lot of music this year (for me) and I made a list of what I liked the best.  I am sharing it with you because who cares, don’t read it, whatever. Jesus.

TOP 10

10. Beirut- pretty little indie type songs with horns.  A band that knows its strengths and limitations and plays to its strengths. (I read that last part in a review somewhere and really agreed.)

 9. Decemberists- The King is Dead.

8. Washed Out- Within and Without

7. REM- Collapse into now.  Listened and loved it, picked it back up when they announced their retirement, loved it more.

6. Jeff the Brotherhood- We are the Champions. Awesome rock for your stupid face.  Turn off your brain, and turn up this awesome album. 

5. Fleet Foxes- Helplessness Blues.  Unbelievably warm album that gives you a big sonic hug.

4. Girls- Father Son and Holy Ghost

3.  Real Estate-Days-  love love love this gorgeous album.

2. Yuck- Everyone says they sound like Dinosaur Jr. so I will too.     

1. Fucked Up- David Comes to Life.  I probably like other albums on the list better, but I feel like this one really accomplished something special.

Honorable Mention:  Cults, Middle Brother, Destroyer, Noel Gallagher, Kurt Vile, Low Anthem, Jessica Lea Mayfield, Beastie Boys.

Most Disappointing: Okkervil River.  This band has made some of my favorite albums ever, and “Black Sheep Boy” would be damn close to making my top 5 all time, but their release this year was plodding and close to unlistenable.

What have you done for me lately?  Foo Fighters, Black Keys.  Two good albums that don’t scratch any itches that couldn’t be scratched by thumbing through their back catalog. Added some good tunes to my shuffle, though, so thanks dudes.

Maybe you were always terrible- Red Hot Chili Peppers

It’s Not You, It’s Me:  St. Vincent- Strange Mercy, Bon Iver. I know they’re good, but I hit skip a lot when they pop up. 

QUICK EDIT:  I just want to pre-emptively say that Stephanie listens to horrible horrible music that stinks.

I picked up a bottle of gin for him.  He’ll probably offer to give me money for it, but I’m going to say it is a gift.  Then he’ll probably be all, no, let me give you money for it, and I’ll refuse, and I’ll tell him I am insulted he won’t allow me to give him a nice present, and at that point, that fucking cheap ass will probably gracefully accept it.