Suburban Report

The goings on of the people of Cranberry

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Oh my god it was so awesome but I am so exhausted from the running and the stress and the waking up at 5:45 to get to the park by 7AM so we could ride rides without the giant crowds and all the day drinking and 10+ miles a day of walking and the luaus and the night Graham puked and diarrheaed all over the bed and his Sorcerer Mickey stuffed doll and we had to keep asking for new sheets and running to the laundry to wash the puke out of the Sorcerer Mickey stuffed doll and the parades and the god-damn-it I have been here 45 minutes to have this spot for the parade and you will not horn in on my kids’ view of god damn Elsa and Anna on their spinning float deal and the WHERE IS YOUR MAGIC BRACELET OH FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS IF WE MISS THE 6:40AM BUS TO THE MAGIC KINGDOM BECAUSE YOU STILL HAVEN’T TIED YOUR SHOES THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY.  Also, how close have YOU been to a shitting giraffe?  If it is more than 3 feet, THEN YOU LOSE THE PROXIMITY TO THE SHITTING GIRAFFE CONTEST.  

Really sincerely looking forward to going back.  Parker is 11.  How long until we go to Disney and he spends the whole trip looking at butts?  Two years, maybe three, tops?

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There’s this song

"Rider" by Okkervil River, who is a great great band who have made at least two of the finest goddamn albums ever written and produced.  Will Sheff, their lead singer. describes it as a kind of a lullaby you’d sing to your kid after riding over wide swaths of the continent and laying it all to waste.  It’s freaking insane is what it is, like a schlubby suburbanite with repressed feral instincts who is descended from viking blood and secretly sees his commute to and from his desk job as fulfilling his destiny to conquer the world, destroy all who oppose him, and leave nothing but scorched earth in his wake.  

Here is a version of it that is okay but a little more restrained than I’ve heard it, but he gives a nice explanation of what it’s about.

Following along with the lyrics is pretty important. 

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It was around this time I in 2010 my hilarious material on the internet started really taking hold and I began my journey toward being a huge fucking deal in the online twitter comedy movement.  Sometimes I think I’ll give it another run but it’s like, you know, the reunion album after getting the band back together is never as good as when the band was in its prime (Dinosaur Jr. notwithstanding.) I mean, sure, I still have hilarious struggles with weight loss and I definitely still awkwardly attempt to convince my wife to engage in intimate acts and my kids still fart in the car, but crap I am 41 now, and do people really want to hear that kind of stuff from someone who isn’t still 37?

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We are going there today.  I haven’t been since like age 12.  I recall all sorts of rides and shit.  I presume they still have rides.  I do know that the first ride will be on an airplane!  

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Anonymous asked: You're hot. You'd do great with gays

You know what is funny is that I was worried my hair was not adequately portrayed in that shot because it was the end of the day and blah blah blah thank you, seriously.

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Prom Pictures

I haven’t really even looked for mine, but trust me bro, I went to prom TWICE with a young lady who had a 190 IQ and left school early to go to an Ivy League college. 

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One of my cousins is celebrating a birthday today but I am not going to send him wishes on Facebook because he used to call me gay slurs one time when I was in the school musical.(Big River- not the whole thing, just some excerpts.)  Now he’ll understand what pain is.

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Music Update

I will probably blog more about this later but before the show we had some bacon, some mussels, some wine and some courvoisier.  At the show they were selling PBR pounders. The show itself was pretty awesome and weird and it made you feel okay about death and dying and feeling different and it didn’t exactly make you feel like everything was going to be all right, but it made you feel like at least you can be weird and beautiful and we’re all in it together.  

After the show I played “Shake Your Rump” really loud in the car and put the windows down because I wanted everyone else in the parking lot to be happy.  I suspect it worked.  We dropped our friend Mike off at a bar downtown so he could pursue sexual relations and recreational supplements and we headed home.  The babysitter did a great job but once again did not save us any pizza so I had a small glass of irish whisky and some mini-reeses cups.  

We are both really tired today but it was super-duper worth it.

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Neutral Milk Hotel

I am going to a concert tonight.  Soon I will be changing in my office.  Anyone walking in on me changing will respond much like Jeff Mangum responded to reading the Diary of Anne Frank, except probably without the songs.

I had a friend who died last week, and I was pretty sad, and I’ll probably blog about it. On the bright side, when we were in Atlantic City for the funeral my buddy bought a bunch of cannolis at this awesome place, and then left them at my house, so Heather and I had cannolis for the last several days. If Jeff Mangum tells me I look bloated I think I will yell about how it’s because I ended up eating a bunch of cannolis due to my friend’s funeral.  That will make him feel real crappy.