Suburban Report

The goings on of the people of Cranberry

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Dear Dr. Stupid

If I go to you for an ear problem you don’t need to get all “do you have problems with blood sugar” or “wow, your blood pressure is good, is it usually good?” and oh god I am old and fat enough that doctors are setting up their file so that if I drop dead tomorrow they can say “HEY HE DENIED HEALTH PROBLEMS SO HOW CAN THAT BE MALPRACTICE???”

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Aw crap my dad wants the kids to bring their baseball gloves when they visit meaning I have like 3 days to turn them into Andrew McCutchen, lest I be accused of being a rotten communist for not insisting they enroll in REAL AMERICAN SPORTS.  Also I need to purchase at least one baseball glove.  

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Pretty potent reading the last few days, and the #NotAllMen thing is pretty pathetic, particularly since it would be way more appropriate to do a #YesAllMen and have it focus on things like #YesAllMen have the ability to analyze and change their own behavior and attitudes, raise their sons right, and try to address wrong behavior and attitudes when they encounter them.

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I’m a Man

I own snowmobiles.

I wear a tie to work and would wear a fedora if they were in style for men my age.

Once a year, I stay up all night to cook a 200 pound hog for my friends.

Given the choice between putting a 2 dollar trash tag on something and smashing it small enough to fit in my garbage can, I choose smashing every time.

Sometimes I catch enough fish to feed my whole family.  If I don’t, no worries because fish can be purchased at most supermarkets.

My lawnmower is not self-propelled.  The wheels I mean.  The blade is self-propelled.

I do all my own ironing and you don’t need starch, seriously, just a spray bottle with water.

Sometimes I have a beard and sometimes I don’t and do you know who decides whether I have a beard or not?  JUST ME, BABY. Last time I shaved, I left the mustache, and I posted on Facebook that my wife made me shave it but GUESS WHAT?  IF I REALLY WANTED TO KEEP IT I PROBABLY COULD HAVE.

Other things, probably.

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I first learned about the snowmobiles while sober

It was a regular conversation about a seemingly great deal on two snowmobiles and a trailer.  Later, I had a bunch of drinks and decided, with my brother-in-law, that by God those snowmobiles would be ours.  Our negotiation strategy was as follows- let’s lowball him, and if he doesn’t take it, we’ll instantly agree to pay full price.  The negotiations swiftly moved to phase two, AND THE SNOWMOBILES WERE OURS.  This prompted lots of leaping with my fists pumping the air.

Later, I sobered up and my stomach filled with dread as I determined my kids shall not be permitted to ride said snowmobiles until long after I am dead, because if they get injured in a snowmobile accident, I could never live with myself.  

- Fin. 

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Enough coffee to perk me up, not so much to make me jumpy and too nauseous to get amorous.

Enough whiskey to be loose and sexy, not so much that I pass out before getting amorous.

Enough pork chops to be fortified and powerful, not so many that I am too fat and greasy to be a desirable sex partner.

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1.  So just to be funny, I set a goal on runkeeper to lose 65 pounds by June 9.  Runkeeper’s reaction was “that will be difficult.”  I could not figure out how to edit the goal so I am going to do my best to reach it.  I did weight myself when I got home last night and I had lost two pounds since the day before, so right on schedule!!!

2.   So I think I have transitioned from the “beating myself up for the shape I am in” stage to the “what the hell did you expect after so many months of inactivity” stage.  It is shockingly similar to the beating myself up stage.

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So I had this extremely negative, self-loathing, possibly cathartic post I was putting together in my head after a really poor run last night but I had some whiskey and wasn’t motivated to write it.  Maybe later.  In any event, here are some of my rules for running.  You can have your own.  It’s important to do what it takes for you to get out there and to enjoy it as much as possible.  One of my main goals is to be a good enough runner again to be able to judge people who don’t adhere to my rules, and, you know, in the spirit of “dress for the job you want, not the job you have,” I might judge people anyway, just so ONE aspect of my running life can be the way it used to be.

1.  Don’t listen to music.  There are a lot of reasons that I won’t go into, because it’s not going to change anyone’s mind.  Just trust me, it’s an abomination.  Along those lines, never ever tell anyone what your “running playlist” is, or the time you put on “Judy is a Punk” to get through the last quarter mile of some stupid run you did. (Thanks Stephanie.)

2. Don’t worry about your pace until it’s time to worry about your pace.

3. If you are crossing the street, don’t jog in place while waiting.  Just stand there and look pissed.  (Thanks Kim Lisagor.) 

4. It is okay to stop before you’ve reached your daily goal once in awhile, but barring something that feels like an injury or a serious risk of one, don’t stop the first, second, third or fourth time your brain thinks you should say “fuck this I’m going home.” 

5.  The disgusting flopping of your belly every stride is a reason to continue, not stop.

6.  If you must run with a group, don’t be more than two runners across (unless you know you won’t be in anyone’s way) and be cognizant of people around you.  Adhering to Rule #1 will help you with this.