Suburban Report

The goings on of the people of Cranberry

15 notes

Dunno if it is lame

To post old stuff of mine that gets posted on thisdayinfavrd, but I always liked this one, and remember the circumstances of posting it quite well.  

  1. Driving my minivan alone. Need bumper sticker that reads “my other car doesn’t make me question what in God’s name my life has become.”
    @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 78

31 notes

Show don’t tell.

It’s not just a writing or cinematic platitude. It works great for your real life too.  Sure, there are times when you have to say things about yourself, but I have a particular distaste for people who constantly say things about themselves that really need to be proven with consistent conduct.  Don’t say “I never lie.”  Demonstrate it by consistently being honest.  Don’t say “I own up to my mistakes,” just own up to them.  Don’t say “I’m not judgmental,” listen to someone’s story and don’t be judgmental about it.  Don’t say “I’m loyal” or “I’m trustworthy” or anything similar- just be those things.  Let the people in your life learn it about you through your deeds, and soon enough they will be said about you, instead of by you.

14 notes

Dear Dr. Stupid

If I go to you for an ear problem you don’t need to get all “do you have problems with blood sugar” or “wow, your blood pressure is good, is it usually good?” and oh god I am old and fat enough that doctors are setting up their file so that if I drop dead tomorrow they can say “HEY HE DENIED HEALTH PROBLEMS SO HOW CAN THAT BE MALPRACTICE???”

16 notes

Anxiety

Aw crap my dad wants the kids to bring their baseball gloves when they visit meaning I have like 3 days to turn them into Andrew McCutchen, lest I be accused of being a rotten communist for not insisting they enroll in REAL AMERICAN SPORTS.  Also I need to purchase at least one baseball glove.  

20 notes

#YesAllWomen

Pretty potent reading the last few days, and the #NotAllMen thing is pretty pathetic, particularly since it would be way more appropriate to do a #YesAllMen and have it focus on things like #YesAllMen have the ability to analyze and change their own behavior and attitudes, raise their sons right, and try to address wrong behavior and attitudes when they encounter them.

26 notes

I’m a Man

I own snowmobiles.

I wear a tie to work and would wear a fedora if they were in style for men my age.

Once a year, I stay up all night to cook a 200 pound hog for my friends.

Given the choice between putting a 2 dollar trash tag on something and smashing it small enough to fit in my garbage can, I choose smashing every time.

Sometimes I catch enough fish to feed my whole family.  If I don’t, no worries because fish can be purchased at most supermarkets.

My lawnmower is not self-propelled.  The wheels I mean.  The blade is self-propelled.

I do all my own ironing and you don’t need starch, seriously, just a spray bottle with water.

Sometimes I have a beard and sometimes I don’t and do you know who decides whether I have a beard or not?  JUST ME, BABY. Last time I shaved, I left the mustache, and I posted on Facebook that my wife made me shave it but GUESS WHAT?  IF I REALLY WANTED TO KEEP IT I PROBABLY COULD HAVE.

Other things, probably.

13 notes

I first learned about the snowmobiles while sober

It was a regular conversation about a seemingly great deal on two snowmobiles and a trailer.  Later, I had a bunch of drinks and decided, with my brother-in-law, that by God those snowmobiles would be ours.  Our negotiation strategy was as follows- let’s lowball him, and if he doesn’t take it, we’ll instantly agree to pay full price.  The negotiations swiftly moved to phase two, AND THE SNOWMOBILES WERE OURS.  This prompted lots of leaping with my fists pumping the air.

Later, I sobered up and my stomach filled with dread as I determined my kids shall not be permitted to ride said snowmobiles until long after I am dead, because if they get injured in a snowmobile accident, I could never live with myself.  

- Fin. 

15 notes

Balance

Enough coffee to perk me up, not so much to make me jumpy and too nauseous to get amorous.

Enough whiskey to be loose and sexy, not so much that I pass out before getting amorous.

Enough pork chops to be fortified and powerful, not so many that I am too fat and greasy to be a desirable sex partner.