May 2013
3 posts
I wrote something on medium →
So in the hopes I can jump start some more writing, I wrote something that was easy to get out, about my wife and me meeting.
Previous topics I failed to follow up on:
1. Best Worst Beer. (Old German won, by the way.)
2. My Year of Shows 2012 edition.
Upcoming topics I will fail to follow up on:
1. Strategies to avoid missing out on your kids’ youth.
2. Becoming your parents- pros and cons.
3. Feelings: what are they anyway?
4. My Year of Shows 2013 edition
Fitness Update
So far, so awful. I ran a half marathon yesterday but apparently EVERYONE DOES THAT NOW so I was just another fat guy sweating into a personalized t-shirt and begging horrified onlookers to give me high-fives. I bookended the race with two binge eating and drinking sessions so my net weight loss for my fun fitness weekend was a nine pound GAIN. All I need to do is stop drinking so much beer, eat...
December 2012
2 posts
My Year of Shows (PART ONE)
I went to more shows this year than in any year of my life. I grew up, went to college, and spent years working in various rural areas, and when I first moved to Pittsburgh I never had any damn money, and then then we had kids, and even when the kids got old enough to leave with sitters, Pittsburgh used to routinely get skipped on the good tours, which has recently changed for the better. Point...
Lunch With Geoff
I have around 21 hours before Geoff and I will be having lunch. Please suggest conversation topics, as I am pretty much at a loss.
November 2012
2 posts
Insanity Workout
Seven weeks into the Insanity Workout and I developed an unrelated rash on my shoulder. I am going this afternoon to have a doctor look at it and I think my pecs and shoulders are developed enough that I can turn it into a serious shirtless pose-down while I suggest different angles and lighting for which she can check it out. “Well, you’ve suggested a topical ointment, but what if I...
NaNoWriMo
Ok, I decided. It is going to be called “Before and After.” It is going to be about a middle aged suburban dad who does a trendy workout video routine that we’ll call the “Psychosis” workout or the “Irrationality” workout or the “Dementia” workout. It will be sort of like a “Picture of Dorian Gray” thing where he periodically...
October 2012
6 posts
Abortion
I happen to believe a fertilized egg is the beginnings of human life. At every stage of gestation, the embryo or fetus is also part of a woman’s body. Since basic concepts of liberty and freedom require that a woman be afforded full autonomy over her body and any medical decisions attendant thereto, abortion must be legal. The decision to terminate a pregnancy is personal and people who...
Debates
My impression of the debates is that Romney’s goal was to focus on being strong, confident and presidential, in order to court voters who did not like the president’s first term, but were concerned a Romney presidency would be worse. In that sense, I think Romney was very successful.
With regard to the president, I think that after the first debate, he stopped worrying about making...
Priorities
A. Complete Insanity Workout and the associated abs.
B. Learn another instrument
C. Practice banjo, piano guitar and trombone until competent to lead family band
D. Obtain more instruments (tuba, trumpet, accordian(?), upright bass, drum set)
E. Learn/teach family the above-referenced instruments
F. Work with Parker on shotgun snaps
G. Work with Graham on peeing in the toilet instead of...
Undecided
Hey so maybe people are undecided because at seemingly every commercial break of every television show they have watched for the last nine months, they have been told that voting for either candidate will bankrupt the country and make the world explode, and that both candidates are inept, immoral liars.
If you are an Obama supporter or diehard liberal, can you imagine voting for Romney? If you...
I wrote a political zinger
When Biden said the next presidential term could involve 1 or 2 supreme court nominations, he could have said “unless Obamacare gets repealed, then probably 4 or even 5 could die due to poor eldercare.” Or Ryan could have said the converse, i.e. 4 or 5 will probably be before a death panel sometime in the next few years if Obamacare stays in effect.
In any event, there are four...
Insanity
Today is donut day in the office. They are right down there in the break room. When I heated up my lunch I was able to get a really good look at them, like a good 2 minute and 45 second look because my lunch took 3 minutes to heat up and I spent probably 15 seconds filling up a glass with water. Sipping on that water and staring at those donuts waiting for the beep to tell me my lunch was...
September 2012
3 posts
Team Justine.
texburgher:
!!
open areas: suburbanreport replied to your post:... →
openareas:
suburbanreport replied to your post: the politics of friendship*
Michele, I don’t want to pick a fight but the way you write about Romney, I couldn’t imagine a Romney voter NOT taking it personally because they must be racist homophobic bigoted greedy haters of the poor
My…
Well, sure you not liking Romney doesn’t mean you don’t like his supporters....
Album Review
I like the songwriting on the new Avett Brothers album, but the good thing about reading Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut is I know exactly what I would say to Rick Rubin right now, which is “Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”
Hi ho.
August 2012
2 posts
LIES ON TWITTER
I tweeted that I would vote for the candidate of my choosing and then shut up, but now I want to put my every thought out there. Because after 3.5 years, I am pretty well convinced that the president has horrible leadership qualities and is an uninspired, uninspiring and ineffectual presence in the oval office. Ordinarily, I care more about leadership qualities than microanalyzing the issues. ...
So what's up?
Well, despite thinking I’d have some new directions to take, I’ve been using the @plainolejason account exactly like I used @cranberryperson, so that’s a victory for the status quo. Work has been going quite well, which in my career means I am exceptionally busy, and up-all-night-with-cold-sweats level stressed out at least a couple of times a month. Constantly considering a...
May 2012
4 posts
Thanks a lot Obama
Last night I had to tell my kid that it is okay to be gay and that some people are just born wanting to marry another dude and that is perfectly fine and he should never make anyone feel bad about it, etc NOW CAN I PLEASE FINISH EATING MY HOT DOGS
Sorry, Mr. President
Why did it take a Biden gaffe before he finally did the right thing? Why did he wait until after yet another state amended their constitution in a way that endorses bigotry? His quote is: “I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” Why say anything other than the last 9 words...
Glueslabs: 1977 - 2012 →
If you know this person, (@fedge) he really appears to need help
glueslabs:
I used to think the world was doomed. Now I realize that it’s only me who is doomed. Others are able to struggle and find a way through life peacefully. Love seems to help. Not me—I’m not one of those people and I never have been.
Don’t worry. This isn’t a suicide note. I left a proper note at…
Best Worst Beer Vol. 1
Part one in a serial project to sample America’s best worst beers, and formally commit to a go-to shitty beer, subject to these conditions: http://suburbanreport.tumblr.com/post/21284405304/coming-soon#notes
Today: Old Milwaukee. $17.99 for a 24-pack of pounders.
Not far from where I grew up, there is a place called Fairhope. I hesitate to call it a “town,” because it is...
April 2012
4 posts
Two Ideas
1. My wife and I might make a blog that intersperses quotes from “50 Shades of Gray” with quotes from “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy. We took turns reading some to one another last night, with desolate and sexy results.
2. “Celebrity Fantasy Football” where celebrities like Jon Hamm, Snoop, Rush Limbaugh, Bill Simmons and Keith Olbermann draft a fantasy...
Parenting
Trying to think of some top notch parenting tips. Here is what I have so far:
(1) Do stuff with them. All the time. As in, play catch with them even though little kids are horrible at it because they will probably get better, and it is a terribly persistent example of parent/child bonding in popular media.
(2) Try to eat dinner together every night, even though it will likely be thoroughly...
Space Shuttle
I was in eighth grade when the Challenger exploded. Being eighth graders, the stupid jokes began flying back and forth almost immediately. I didn’t really tell any or laugh at any because even back then I tried to maintain a ferocious comedic integrity and it all seemed a little too easy and derivative. Some of the jokes were overheard by Mr. Iagulli, one of the English teachers who was...
Coming Soon
I am going to do a little series I will be dubbing “best worst beer,” where I try to find my go-to crappy American canned beer. The reason for this exercise is, ostensibly, for me to definitively choose a beer I will identify as “my beer,” as in I intend to purchase hats, t-shirts, boxer shorts and beer cozies with my beer’s logo emblazoned on them. I drink a lot of...
February 2012
3 posts
Santorum
So my desire for interesting politics is making me root for a Santorum nomination, even though I could not imagine being more ideologically opposed to pretty much every last one of his positions. What is interesting now is how his republican primary opponents don’t dare criticize his more extreme religious views and/or how he injects them into his policy-making positions because they...
POLITICS
When Rick Santorum justifies his policies with religion, or he says his policies are compelled by his religious beliefs, it’s rightly decried by many as horrible and scary and offensive. Which is why it is disgusting and disappointing to read about President Obama quoting scripture and giving speeches about how Jesus would agree with a plan to tax the rich. If we disagree with Santorum and...
More Modeling
A couple of ways I model proper conduct to my kids:
(1) I launder and iron my own shirts which is thrifty and my mom always did that for my dad and I reject those traditional gender-based chores and also my wife stinks at ironing.
(2) If I am drinking a beer and fall asleep on the couch, when I wake up, I finish it before going to bed. That is good for the environment.
January 2012
7 posts
Truthful Tuesday
Ok so those pants I said I was going to throw away once I could fit in them again? I can fit in them again. Think I am going to hold on to them because, you know, they are unappealing but functional, which I think is what we should all strive to be.
I’ve been thinking and worrying a looooooot about modeling proper behavior for the kids. Want to start reading more, staring at my...
Pants
I have this horrible pair of pants that I hate. They’re these flat-front dockers with absolutely nothing special about them and if I recall correctly I got them for like $18.99 at Kohl’s when I had a 30% off coupon so I guess subtract almost 6 bucks from that total. I would love to throw them away, but right now I am too fat for them, and I want to wear them one last time so they...
Beyonce is better than me
I just saw a headline on CNN.com that read “Beyonce is already a wonderful mom.” And I kind of wanted to let myself think that maybe it is because she has nannies, and maybe it is because taking care of a newborn is difficult and exhausting but really requires more stamina and willingness to do all the mechanical tasks related to keeping your baby clothed and fed and clean than it...
Cash
A very long time ago, my dad was coaching my brother in little league. When practice started, and he needed to be on the field leading drills and demonstrating fundamentals, he handed me his wallet and asked me to watch it. Being a curious 9 year old, I of course could not resist the temptation to open and rifle through it, and to my amazement, he had at least four hundred bucks in cash in...
Big Fat Loser
So I had my first weigh-in of the year last night, and it wasn’t as ugly as I feared. I am in the neighborhood of 40 pounds under my heaviest weight ever, and about 25 pounds above my lowest, and not quite in the obese range of BMI so score!
The thing is I feel way fatter than I remember feeling when I have been in the neighborhood of this weight before. Possibly because I have been...
Fun with Resolutions
I have the exact same resolutions every single year. I thought it would be fun this year to make the exact same resolutions again, while rating how well I achieved them last year.
1. Lose Weight- 0/10.
2. Write more- 0/10
3. Run/exercise more- 2/10
4. Be more productive and efficient at work- 3/10
5. At least not gain any weight- 0/10
6. Drink less- 0/10
7. Spend less time dicking around...
December 2011
9 posts
My Music Year
I’m not going to lead off this post with an self absorbed rant about whether anyone could possibly care about what music I liked this year. Suffice it to say that I went through a lot of music this year (for me) and I made a list of what I liked the best. I am sharing it with you because who cares, don’t read it, whatever. Jesus.
TOP 10
10. Beirut- pretty little indie type songs with horns. A...
Texburgher
I picked up a bottle of gin for him. He’ll probably offer to give me money for it, but I’m going to say it is a gift. Then he’ll probably be all, no, let me give you money for it, and I’ll refuse, and I’ll tell him I am insulted he won’t allow me to give him a nice present, and at that point, that fucking cheap ass will probably gracefully accept it.
Anonymous asked: so do you celebrate Christmas?
Anonymous asked: What does Jesus have to do with Christmas, anyway ? HO HO HO
Rick Perry and religion.
Well, guess I’m not voting for Rick Perry now. Because of the anti-gay bigotry and war on Christmas bullshit. And also because I don’t agree with him on a vast majorityof issues. Not because he invoked religion in a similar fashion as Hitler did. Politicians have done that since politics was invented. I mean, people say bullshit like “Jesus was a liberal” like anyone...
Thinkin'
You know how in high school, you usually had to sign your textbook at the beginning of the year so if you messed it up real bad, they would be able to trace it back to you. But sometimes, they would hand out books just for like a day for an activity and what not. Well, if I ever had the opportunity to take temporary possession of a book without having to put my name on it, I would always write...
Hey In-Laws.
That last one wasn’t about you, it was about my own parents. I know you don’t see them often, but in the event you bump into them, don’t tell them about my blog.
To hit send, or not to hit send.
In response to the 4000th time my folks have mentioned they hope we can visit them in Florida.
I’m aware you hope we can visit because I think you mention it every time we talk and in most of the e-mails you send. We would like to visit, but our winter schedule makes it extremely difficult with the kids and Heather in school, not to mention my general difficulty taking big chunks of time off...
November 2011
7 posts
in the fade: my annual announcement about your... →
Can someone who has received my family holiday newsletter (Caprice, Geoff, Stephanie, Cassie, Dinobrain peeps, Jeff Kelley etc.) please tell Michele she is full of crap?
inthefade:
I hate your family’s holiday newsletter. I don’t really care if you and Hank are spending the holidays in the South of France while your darling children are off discovering a cure for cancer or backpacking through...
SPOILER ALERT
I don’t think my kids read this blog, but Parker, if you are reading this, cut it out because there are going to be swears. Graham, if you are reading this, you have been willfully deceptive about your ability to comprehend the written word beyond the kindergarten level, and you can consider yourself grounded.
Anyways, on to the spoilers. I got Parker a guitar for Christmas. It’s...
MORE TUMBLRS
Keep an eye out for some new tumblrs I am working on in my brain, one will be a criticism of internet trends that I will attempt to write in Andy Rooney’s voice, and another is going to be sort of like the website about people who look like Kenny Rogers, but it’s going to be like a “People who people look like” hall of fame, which I thought up when I saw like 4 people in...
Penn State
There’s a woman who I got to third base with in I think 1989, and then she later started dating my friend and we were all at a New Years’ Eve party in I think 1994 and when my friend passed out she tried to make out with me, and I haven’t really spoken to her since. Point is, I strongly disagree with her facebook support of Joe Paterno but I don’t know if it’s a good...
POLITICS
I’ll probably tweet this if I can distill it to 140 characters so I pre-apologize if anyone has to read this twice (or once for that matter.)
The fact that all sides of a political debate can usually argue that Jesus supports their position says a lot more about the malleability of religion and scourge of political opportunism than it does about the merits of any particular viewpoint.
...
