A very long time ago, my dad was coaching my brother in little league.  When practice started, and he needed to be on the field leading drills and demonstrating fundamentals, he handed me his wallet and asked me to watch it.  Being a curious 9 year old, I of course could not resist the temptation to open and rifle through it, and to my amazement, he had at least four hundred bucks in cash in there, including two or three C-notes.  Surely, I thought, my father is the wealthiest man in all of Bedford County.  So while it appears we are moving toward a cash-free society, if it is put to a worldwide vote, I will be loudly saying “nay.”  And it is not only because I want my son to someday snoop around in my wallet and believe me to be suburban royalty.  No, I have very strong opinions about circumstances where adults should have cash.  In short, it is efficient, elegant, and demonstrates that you are a grownup with your shit together.  Some brief examples:

1.  Takeout, duh.  A debit card at takeout means you sign a receipt that has a god damn line for a tip, that you either have to deliberately leave blank, or write a zero in.  With cash, you hand them a wad of bills, get your change, ask for chopsticks, and get the hell out of there like tipping them for takeout never crossed your mind, because it shouldn’t have.  But once that receipt is in your hand, they know you made a conscious decision to not leave a tip.  NO THANKS.

2. Going out with friends.    Two scenarios- it’s you and some friends, or a couples night. Either way, bring some cash, asshole.  By the end of happy hour, everyone is ready to leave.  How do you leave quickly and without fumbling all over yourselves?  WITH CASH, SUCKAS.  If you have eight people with their little debit cards, asking the server to split it evenly, you and your entire family should be ashamed.  Throw down your cash.  You are a grownup.  On couples night, the couple who says “just bring separate checks” will be getting the stink eye from me all god damn night.  The waitress will rightfully think you are high maintenance and too stupid to do math, and you are sending a message to the other couples that you don’t want to pay an extra seventy-five cents if your entree cost less or you had one less drink because you are a tightass.  God damn separate checks. The only benefit is that if you are the only one at the end of the night with the good sense to have brought cash, the server will have to fumble around with everyone else’s stupid debit cards, while you can hand him or her your little booklet full of cash and say “nope, we’re good, sugar tits,” when he or she asks if you need change.   Then you can sit there and stare at your watch while your “friend” waits to get the receipt back and tip exactly 17%.  Some friend.

3.  Haircuts.  If you have to sign a receipt to get a haircut, you should just let it grow out, you disgusting hippie.  Not long ago, if you were a man and got your hair cut at a place that accepted debit cards, I would have slapped you.  But now I like going to a place where there are little TVs and I can watch Sportscenter and my kids can watch Spongebob, and they take debit cards, NOT THAT I’D USE ONE.  Again, are you going to WRITE DOWN what your stylist gets as a tip?  Practice making a big shot face and saying “oh, no, no change, keep it.” Feels awesome.

4.  Beer distributor*.  You are buying beer, not freaking Christal.  If you don’t have a couple 20s in your pocket, maybe try quitting drinking forever.  There is no beer distributor in the world which has a fast working credit card machine, so there is a 100% chance you are holding up the line and delaying patrons from shotgunning their Coors Lites.  Obviously, this is a beer distributor rule and has no application to the liquor store.  In fact, you should never, ever pay in cash at the liquor store, but that is a different post.

5.  Anything drive-through, but especially the beer distributor.   

*In Pennsylvania, we can only buy beer at a special beer distributor, because if you can buy beer and groceries at the same spot, maybe some of those groceries will be tic-tacs, and if you chug some beers in the car and mask your breath with the tic-tacs, the cops will be completely oblivious to your drunkenness and drunk driving is not cool.  You also cannot buy a bottle of wine in the same place you buy a case of beer, whether altoids are sold there or not.