The first thing you have to do is prevent crabgrass, so you have to put down the first treatment early.  This one is a no-brainer because you just toss the lawn chemicals in your spreader and do a cheery stroll around your lawn making sure you don’t overspread.  Does it make the worms toxic for birds?  Doesn’t seem to.  But I believe at least one of them has been driven mad, and several of them have taken up residence in the dryer discharge.  What a strange life it must be, flying out of your nest in a panic every time I go into the laundry room for clean socks.

The second treatment, well that’s a little more complicated, isn’t it?  You flat out NEED this one, or dandelions will destroy your yard and the derision of your neighbors will bring great shame to your family, who will be unable to run into Giant Eagle for fat-free french vanilla coffee creamer and sriracha sauce without hearing the whispers of a judgmental community.  But by the time the second treatment is needed, you are in full biweekly grass cutting mode, and you need the chemicals to sit on your lawn for 24-48 hours without being disturbed, lest some weeds survive.  PLUS, you have to spread the treatment shortly after a rainstorm so the weeds are wet and the chemicals will stick to them, BUT, it can’t rain again for at least two days or else they will be washed away.  You must, must, must not trust local weather. They are a useful tool in the process, but until you finely hone your own gut feelings.  We’re all old enough now that, even without realizing it, you can feel rain coming in your knees, or sinuses, or hip.  You just have to get yourself attuned to it, like keeping a dream journal.

THEN, you have to worry about your neighbors.  You can control your own kids, telling them that although it is a nice day, they need to stay inside and play Wii because God help them if they frolic in the yard and disturb the chemical processes which are beautifying the family property that will someday be sold so we can move into a small condo in Florida and pressure them into visiting us even though, come on, they have busy lives and kids of their own, give them a break.  Point is, them you can control.  The neighbor kids are a sticky wicket, and a threatening e-mail to the subdivision list advising them of your need for an undisturbed day and a half can only get you so far.  And their dogs?  You might just have to promise the neighborhood that the dogs get one warning shot and one only.  They won’t know you don’t have a gun.  And listen, they aren’t hard to get anyway.