Suburban Report

I wrote something on medium

Wed, 15 May 2013 22:11:25 -0400

So in the hopes I can jump start some more writing, I wrote something that was easy to get out, about my wife and me meeting.

Previous topics I failed to follow up on: 1. Best Worst Beer. (Old German won, by the way.) 2. My...

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:08:00 -0400

Previous topics I failed to follow up on:

1. Best Worst Beer. (Old German won, by the way.)

2. My Year of Shows 2012 edition.

Upcoming topics I will fail to follow up on:

1. Strategies to avoid missing out on your kids’ youth.

2. Becoming your parents- pros and cons.

3. Feelings: what are they anyway?

4. My Year of Shows 2013 edition

Fitness Update

Mon, 06 May 2013 16:00:25 -0400

So far, so awful. I ran a half marathon yesterday but apparently EVERYONE DOES THAT NOW so I was just another fat guy sweating into a personalized t-shirt and begging horrified onlookers to give me high-fives. I bookended the race with two binge eating and drinking sessions so my net weight loss for my fun fitness weekend was a nine pound GAIN. All I need to do is stop drinking so much beer, eat healthier food, eat smaller portions, stop drinking so much wine, run more than twice a week, stop drinking so much whiskey, add in some strength training and think about getting some kind of weight-loss surgery. I am not going to write my novel until I can do it SHIRTLESS.

My Year of Shows (PART ONE)

Thu, 06 Dec 2012 09:42:45 -0500

I went to more shows this year than in any year of my life. I grew up, went to college, and spent years working in various rural areas, and when I first moved to Pittsburgh I never had any damn money, and then then we had kids, and even when the kids got old enough to leave with sitters, Pittsburgh used to routinely get skipped on the good tours, which has recently changed for the better. Point being, this is a lot of shows for me, even though it may not be a lot for other people who think they are cooler than me.

May 12- Avett Brothers- Nautica Pavilion in Cleveland. Great venue, great show, great setlist. Went with college friends. Got drunk. May have spouted off some very liberal social political views and then felt bad about it in the morning when I remembered our friends are pretty religious.

May 20- Avett Brothers- Stage AE Pittsburgh. The thing about Stage AE is that it was built on a parking lot between the football stadium and ballpark. However, somehow, when you see an outdoor show there, it feels like a cozy ole field. It is spectacularly well designed- from anywhere inside you can get a (reasonably priced) beer, go the bathroom and be back at your spot in 5 minutes.

Anyways, this show was AWESOME. First big concert for Parker, our nine-year-old. We got super-close so Heather could gaze into Seth Avett’s eyes. Major, major ladyboner time. I was designated driver so I didn’t get drunk.

June 9- Girl Talk- Stage AE Pittsburgh. This was right smack-dab in the middle of the few months the Pirates were tricking everyone into thinking they were good at baseball. So the parking lot was NUTTY beforehand, a nice mix of blue collar Pirate fans blasting classic rock and chugging domestic light beers and hipsters tripping balls. Walking back through the parking lot after the show reminded me of how Vonnegut described Dresden in Slaughterhouse Five.

Oh man did I drink a lot before this show. It was me, another guy, our wives, and like 3-4 other crazy drunk ladies. We nabbed a great spot against the railing at the front of the lawn. I GOT IN A FIGHT AT THIS ONE because people were not allowed to stand in front of us but the staff got a little lax for the encore since people were leaving and shifting and what not. So these dudes stood right in front of us and it was right during the “GET OUT THE WAY BITCH” song so I was screaming it right in their ears and adding “I MEAN YOU IN THE ORANGE SHIRT, GET OUT THE WAY.” We exchanged words and they moved SHUT UP THAT IS TOO A FIGHT.

(next up, Nada Surf, Hall and Oates, Neko Case, Afghan Whigs, Avett Brothers, Dinosaur Jr.)

Lunch With Geoff

Wed, 05 Dec 2012 15:04:49 -0500

I have around 21 hours before Geoff and I will be having lunch. Please suggest conversation topics, as I am pretty much at a loss.

Insanity Workout

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 12:42:07 -0500

Seven weeks into the Insanity Workout and I developed an unrelated rash on my shoulder. I am going this afternoon to have a doctor look at it and I think my pecs and shoulders are developed enough that I can turn it into a serious shirtless pose-down while I suggest different angles and lighting for which she can check it out. “Well, you’ve suggested a topical ointment, but what if I hold the squat-thrust position while pointing my fingertips skyward like so.”

NaNoWriMo

Thu, 01 Nov 2012 17:16:55 -0400

Ok, I decided. It is going to be called “Before and After.” It is going to be about a middle aged suburban dad who does a trendy workout video routine that we’ll call the “Psychosis” workout or the “Irrationality” workout or the “Dementia” workout. It will be sort of like a “Picture of Dorian Gray” thing where he periodically takes pictures of himself with his shirt off to monitor his progress, and the picture NEVER EVER CHANGES even though on the inside he is becoming more and more exhausted and he’s always in a shitty mood because according to the pictures, he may as well as have spent October on the couch drinking pumpkin beer and cheap gin. By the end of the second month, he works out so hard his heart explodes and as he dies, he glances up and sees that his picture had sculpted abs all along.

-fin.

Abortion

Wed, 24 Oct 2012 11:41:18 -0400

I happen to believe a fertilized egg is the beginnings of human life. At every stage of gestation, the embryo or fetus is also part of a woman’s body. Since basic concepts of liberty and freedom require that a woman be afforded full autonomy over her body and any medical decisions attendant thereto, abortion must be legal. The decision to terminate a pregnancy is personal and people who insist on injecting their own morality into telling other people what to do or how to feel about it is, in my view, offensive.

I think Richard Mourdock’s comments are vile. I also hear a lot of watered-down versions of his comments all over the place, like “everything happens for a reason,” and “it’s all in God’s plan” and “We make plans and God laughs,” that strike me as honestly not that different except that they speak in generalities instead of specifics. So what is God responsible for? What is in his plan and what isn’t? It’s a lot easier to just not believe in God.

Debates

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 10:39:35 -0400

My impression of the debates is that Romney’s goal was to focus on being strong, confident and presidential, in order to court voters who did not like the president’s first term, but were concerned a Romney presidency would be worse. In that sense, I think Romney was very successful.

With regard to the president, I think that after the first debate, he stopped worrying about making the undecideds want to vote for him, because let’s face it, if the last four years haven’t made someone want to vote for Obama, a few debates aren’t going to change their minds. Instead, it seemed to me like Obama focused on going on the offensive and attacking Romney because that’s what’s gonna energize the base, i.e. instead of changing an undecided mind, he wants to make sure more of his decideds get their ass to the polls. In that sense, I think Obama was very successful.

Priorities

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 07:52:30 -0400

A. Complete Insanity Workout and the associated abs.

B. Learn another instrument

C. Practice banjo, piano guitar and trombone until competent to lead family band

D. Obtain more instruments (tuba, trumpet, accordian(?), upright bass, drum set)

E. Learn/teach family the above-referenced instruments

F. Work with Parker on shotgun snaps

G. Work with Graham on peeing in the toilet instead of the garbage can

H. Finish War and Peace

I. Finish novel

J. Book some gigs for the family band

K. Talk Parker out of his reluctance to do a third year of wrestling

L. I don’t know, maybe take a cooking class?

It is hard to sort out the right order. I feel like J should be last, but maybe if we do J first, we’ll have no choice but to do B,C,D and E. Also, if anyone is selling any instruments, let me know.

Undecided

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 16:33:43 -0400

Hey so maybe people are undecided because at seemingly every commercial break of every television show they have watched for the last nine months, they have been told that voting for either candidate will bankrupt the country and make the world explode, and that both candidates are inept, immoral liars.

If you are an Obama supporter or diehard liberal, can you imagine voting for Romney? If you are a fervent Romney supporter or diehard conservative, can you imagine voting for Obama? I would submit that the unrelenting negativeness of this campaign has made many undecided voters feel the same way about both.

I wrote a political zinger

Fri, 12 Oct 2012 09:13:00 -0400

When Biden said the next presidential term could involve 1 or 2 supreme court nominations, he could have said “unless Obamacare gets repealed, then probably 4 or even 5 could die due to poor eldercare.” Or Ryan could have said the converse, i.e. 4 or 5 will probably be before a death panel sometime in the next few years if Obamacare stays in effect.

In any event, there are four justices over 74 and by the end of the next term, 3 will be 80 or older. On the other hand, there are no justices who are so old that you couldn’t imagine them holding onto the position until they are confident their replacement will be politically similar, i.e. I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch to think that if Romney is elected, Ginsburg will ride it out until 2017. Health is of course a wildcard. Scalia is 76 and he’s been pretty coy about retirement but my gut says he’s not ever going to relinquish his seat. Kennedy may not care much about the ideology of his potential replacements. The other wildcard is a Justice’s adherence to his or her anticipated ideology. Harry Blackmun was nominated by Nixon and wrote Roe v. Wade. Kennedy does not rigidly adhere to a political philosophy and neither did O’Connor.

So I don’t know what my point is, other than to say basing your vote on the potential impact on the Supreme Court can be pretty dicey. I tend to like a Court that is big on individual liberty on a personal level. I waver on states rights and generally think the Court should be very careful before striking down laws that were properly and democratically enacted. Each current Justice has positions I respect and agree with, and some I disagree with. I think Romney and Obama would both nominate individuals who are qualified in terms of acumen and experience. Obama has already done so. So the Supreme Court is probably not going to be a key issue in my vote.

Insanity

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 14:15:37 -0400

Today is donut day in the office. They are right down there in the break room. When I heated up my lunch I was able to get a really good look at them, like a good 2 minute and 45 second look because my lunch took 3 minutes to heat up and I spent probably 15 seconds filling up a glass with water. Sipping on that water and staring at those donuts waiting for the beep to tell me my lunch was suitably warm. I have been doing the Insanity workout and my instinct tells me that Shaun T. does not want me to have a donut. But in my heart I know that he doesn’t know me or anything about me, and he doesn’t actually care if I have that donut or not. In fact I think the only thing that would disappoint him is how I borrowed the workout discs from a friend instead of purchasing them through appropriate channels. The people who really care about me are my family and friends, and they should love me no matter what and they want me to be happy. But am I going to be happy when I am on a beach in Florida in December wearing an oversized t-shirt to hide my sizeable belly and floppy tits? Sure, I’ll be too drunk to care THAT much, but what if I am designated driver one day?

There are also bagels in the break room, but fuck that.

Team Justine.

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 17:09:43 -0400

texburgher:

!!

open areas: suburbanreport replied to your post: the politics of friendship*...

Thu, 20 Sep 2012 19:58:27 -0400

open areas: suburbanreport replied to your post: the politics of friendship*...:

openareas:

suburbanreport replied to your post: the politics of friendship*

Michele, I don’t want to pick a fight but the way you write about Romney, I couldn’t imagine a Romney voter NOT taking it personally because they must be racist homophobic bigoted greedy haters of the poor

My…

Well, sure you not liking Romney doesn’t mean you don’t like his supporters. That’s YOU. But if you continually slam something someone likes in the harshest terms possible, you can’t be surprised or offended if they might not want a relationship with you, and it can’t be surprising if they wonder “if she thinks that about him, what can she think of me for supporting him?”

I’m not even voting for Romney probably. But my dad definitely is, and he can’t resist constantly railing about the perils of government and the evils of liberalism. He recently lost some Canadian friends over his opinions on socialized medicine. He’s too stubborn to admit it, but he misses them. My mom agrees with my dad politically but is really sad about the friendship and wonders why their friends cant take it. My brother and I pretty much said “why should they have to?” and “Dad is an asshole and should shut up once in awhile.”

Anyways.

Album Review

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 08:58:00 -0400

I like the songwriting on the new Avett Brothers album, but the good thing about reading Slapstick by Kurt Vonnegut is I know exactly what I would say to Rick Rubin right now, which is “Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut? Why don’t you take a flying fuck at the mooooooooooooon?”

Hi ho.

LIES ON TWITTER

Fri, 31 Aug 2012 11:03:26 -0400

I tweeted that I would vote for the candidate of my choosing and then shut up, but now I want to put my every thought out there. Because after 3.5 years, I am pretty well convinced that the president has horrible leadership qualities and is an uninspired, uninspiring and ineffectual presence in the oval office. Ordinarily, I care more about leadership qualities than microanalyzing the issues. For example, I think there are probably multiple ways the economy can be fixed, and multiple ways for the education system to be successfully managed, multiple ways to handle welfare, unemployment, health care, and the like. And I have no problem paying higher taxes if I have some level of confidence that the nation’s tax dollars are being spent wisely and efficiently. If the money is going toward programs that will be led and implemented with conviction and passion and competence, then by all means, raise my taxes. In my view, working your ass off and inspiring others to do the same will often make a plan effective, whether a democrat or republican came up with it, and whether it is based on liberal or conservative ideals.

All that being said, the modern Republican Party is so atrocious on several social issues that are important to me, that I don’t see myself voting for Romney even though the thought of four more years of President Obama is pretty deeply depressing. Maybe I just won’t vote for president, or vote third party. That’ll show ‘em.

So what's up?

Thu, 23 Aug 2012 11:16:47 -0400

Well, despite thinking I’d have some new directions to take, I’ve been using the @plainolejason account exactly like I used @cranberryperson, so that’s a victory for the status quo. Work has been going quite well, which in my career means I am exceptionally busy, and up-all-night-with-cold-sweats level stressed out at least a couple of times a month. Constantly considering a career where success breeds confidence and relaxation, but I suspect none exist.

The family is exceptionally good. Heather is back to work after a fantastic summer, and the kids are heading back to school soon. I have been looking at peoples’ kids going back to school on the Facebooks and having a positive emotional reaction to it, i.e., not wondering things like “who cares about your dumb kids anyway?” It’s a strange, foreign, sincerity-like quality that is oddly welcome.

Parker is playing football in pads and helmets and he is a big strong smart kid but hasn’t quite figured out the aggression part of the game yet. He has never watched football on TV, and never played organized football before, so he is behind. At age 9. Graham got to feed goats at two separate county fairs. He fed carrots to one, gummi bears to the other. He’s developing into a marvelous kid, sunny and pleasant. I think he’s a genius, but I am supposed to think that. He has zero interest in organized sports, and is extremely content doing his own goofy stuff, whether anyone wants to join him or not. Girls are insane for him. I think we need to cultivate his creativity and get him interested in something, and doing something to focus it or he’ll get behind. He’s 6.

I fell way behind on the best worst beer project. At least, I fell way behind on writing about the massive volumes of shitty beers I have had this summer. I owe the world a review of: PBR, Old German, Duquesne Pilsner, Schaefer, Stroh’s, Busch and Miller High Life.

Thanks a lot Obama

Thu, 10 May 2012 14:11:49 -0400

Last night I had to tell my kid that it is okay to be gay and that some people are just born wanting to marry another dude and that is perfectly fine and he should never make anyone feel bad about it, etc NOW CAN I PLEASE FINISH EATING MY HOT DOGS

Sorry, Mr. President

Wed, 09 May 2012 15:17:10 -0400

Why did it take a Biden gaffe before he finally did the right thing? Why did he wait until after yet another state amended their constitution in a way that endorses bigotry? His quote is: “I’ve just concluded that for me personally it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same sex couples should be able to get married.” Why say anything other than the last 9 words of that sentence? Everything before the last 9 words is mealy-mouthed bullshit.

I will probably delete this later when I think on it and realize that those last 9 words are historic enough that the other circumstances don’t matter, but right now this is another example of what I am increasingly feeling is evidence of poor leadership qualities.